Reminiscing

I'm in bed, Cream's ipod and gift to me in hand, trying to relax. My sister is snuggled next to me, sound asleep. She looks so much younger when she's sleeping. I wonder what I look like when I'm asleep.. Anyways.
I can't relax. I feel stressed. Perhaps about things that may seem trivial to others; like programming homework. I mentioned awhile ago that I'm taking a computer programming course at the moment, and it's so fucking hard. I always tell myself that hard work will pay off. So I try to work hard in all aspects of my life (for the most part, getting along with my mom doesn't count), but fucking tech. I can't ever seem to grasp it. WHY. WHY is it so bloody difficult?? I'm working hard. Guess I'll just have to work even harder. I fuckin hate that. I stayed in at lunch to hand in a program I was so proud of finishing only to gear from my teacher that it was wrong, try again. According to her, I was only missing one small but essential thing. But I couldn't get it. Gray was sitting in there with me, luckily, 'cause once she left me to it, I started crying. I'm such a pussy sometimes, its ridiculous. Gray, I love you. I'd be hopelessly pathetic if you weren't around to give me words if encouragement as you always do.
Teach came back, and she pretty much handed me the answer but gave me a 10/10 anyways.. She doesn't accept thank-you's easily though, walks away half way through said phrase whenever it leaves my mouth. She's cool.

Another stressful thing is my potential summer job. I'm hoping to get hired to do summer camps for kids with the recreation centre I'm working at now. I got through the first interview process, and have been asked to attend another night of observation (in a sense). In this case, I'll be in charge of an activity that I'll make up beforehand for my 20 - 25 competitors to participate in for 5 - 10 minuets. Mom insists I do an origami camp (there is an arts n crafts camp so its not a bad idea) and I can't imagine anyone else doing it, plus its sorta within my comfort zone so why not, right? Well I'll be pretty intimidated speaking and trying to insue fun into a large group of most likely university aged people, 5 of which I met in my first round of interviews, but fuck it whatever I'll give it my all and if I screw it up oh well, it was a learning experience or some shit like that.
So yeah, there's that.

Does any of this make some amount of sense? I'm just going on a tangent here, so please bear with me.

My sis, whom I'm not sure if I named yet in this blog so I'll just call her Arwen, doesn't normally sleep with me. I'm not a very good big sister, something I'm actually quite ashamed of. Despite us having very different personalities, I see myself in her. We both long, well 'longed' in my case, for attention and affection. My parents are affectionate I guess, sort of, they just show it in a way that... I dunno. I don't want to sound ungrateful or like I've been emotionally neglected,'cause neither of those are true, but.. I had a lonely childhood, it feels like she is too.
I can't explain it right, maybe another day.

Kay I'll try again.

I often think to myself, would it be better to have often impatient (a softer word then I'm feeling but its the best I can do) parents, or to have impatient parents annnd a bitchy older sister? Which hurts less?
I don't wanna be that stereotypical teenage sister, but its so easy to be a bitch. Cold and detatched. A little dramatic, but true.

I'm really gonna try hard, just like I do with school and dance, etc. Arwen was the light of my world when she was born, and I hate that that has changed.. I'm going to try now though.

Well its late, school tomorrow... Ooh starting a project in planning, where we choose one career and learn stuff about it. I'm excited bout this, I have no idea what I want to pursue after graduation, I'm really hoping this will help!

Alrighty, well I'm done my shpeel. Good night.

Well well

Parents. Wonderful beings. Because of their sexual inhibitions, you were created, for better or for worse. Probably the latter in my mom’s opinion.“Why can’t you just listen? Why are you like this?” She’s yelled this a lot. Not recently, but she has come up with new things to scream at me about. Why am I like what, mom? I’m constantly getting in shit for the littlest things. I swear, she’s looking for things to yell at me about. Does it make her feel good, making me feel like the most insignificant piece of shit on this entire planet? The whole “I only get mad about these things because I care about you”, is massive bull at this point.

Random new 'rules' are being created and I must abide them or else a screaming fit shall be induced. I cannot use the computer past 10pm, even if Im doing homework. I cannot be on the phone past 10pm, but she can be up at five in the morning literally yelling on the phone in Japanese.
Its 'little' things like this that I cant stand. The way she is always so so loud. I'm less than 3 feet away from you, I can fucking hear, thanks. I'm constantly hearing sob stories about her childhood. Dont get me wrong; I honestly do understand she had rough times. But shouldn't her past experiences make her more loving towards me? She was a middle child, with an older brother and younger brother with traditional Japanese parents. Therefore, if her mother ever had time for any of her children, it would be for her sons. Thats changed now though, her mom and her are quite close.
She still felt those feelings though. Then why does she run away when I ask for a hug? Or asks me what is it that I want? Because there's gotta be a hidden motive when I ask my mom for a hug. That hurts. Again, the little things.
This list could go on. Being overbearing, obnoxious, etc has made her someone I feel like I have to always lie to. I can't tell her just about everything like Cream and Juliet can with their moms, and it really makes me sad. I'm comforted when Grays around, he understands, and I really appreciate it.

Anyways to finalize this post, I know that I could work harder on appreciating my mom more. But she could try appreciating me more too. Dad angrily says I need more respect for her. But she hasn't quite earned it yet.

Tears to Drown In

I look at my News Feed on Facebook, and I can't help but feel ashamed. My generation is so fucking spoiled and self-absorbed. Here's a couple posts people have made today:


These are kellys nails she does normal tips, prints and everything!

(A post on some chicks nails, followed by a gaudy picture that resembles a human hand with dragon claws.)

Tbh from Mina and me, want one? Like it up bitch.

tig ol bitties in MY face. motor boattttttttttttttt all night

Wild saturday night. Sitting on my bed on tumblr. THUG LIFE

Yup.

Right now I am remembering a year ago today. I was on a flight to Tokyo, an hour from landing. I was in a shitty ass mood; exhausted, everything smelled like barf, head-pounding, with my ears plugged. An announcement came on... It was the Captain, letting us know that a major earthquake had just went down in Tokyo. He sounded shaken. Well no shit he did.

I regret being so...self centered. Even so, who wouldn't be, honestly?

When I saw the devastation, it felt like I was bulldozed in the heart. I didn't see it in person, I saw it on television -- I was far from the physical damage. I didn't need to see it in person. What I saw on the screen was more than enough...More than enough pain, suffering, and loss than anyone should experience in a life time.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. There's so much that I'm feeling right now, I just can't put it into words. I want to cry, but I feel like I don't deserve to be all weepy about this. The whole month I stayed in Japan afterwards, I was completely...ungrateful. Well, never ungrateful, but I sure as hell never acted grateful.

Does this make sense at all?

At dinner today... My dad, this gruff, angry man, started to cry. I've only ever seen him cry once in my life before that. He's not the 'sensitive' type; he's not openly affectionate most of the time and he has an incredibly short temper and is constantly swearing.

To see him cry was-

He told us about that day, how he found out about the disasters. On March 11th, while I was on my flight, he was watching a hockey game. When it finished, it was late, so he went to bed. He said he remembered the phone ringing that night, but he ignored it since he was falling asleep. The next morning he listened to a message from my nana, apparently she was crying.. I didn't know she cried..

He said he was so afraid. So afraid.

"You instantly imagine the worst, ya know?"

He kept apologizing for crying.

Anyways, to conclude this I want to say that I am forever grateful for my life, and my loved ones. Im grateful for my home and for all the lessons Ive been taught throughout my life.
Japan, my heart is with you.

Japan, I love you.