Reminiscing

I'm in bed, Cream's ipod and gift to me in hand, trying to relax. My sister is snuggled next to me, sound asleep. She looks so much younger when she's sleeping. I wonder what I look like when I'm asleep.. Anyways.
I can't relax. I feel stressed. Perhaps about things that may seem trivial to others; like programming homework. I mentioned awhile ago that I'm taking a computer programming course at the moment, and it's so fucking hard. I always tell myself that hard work will pay off. So I try to work hard in all aspects of my life (for the most part, getting along with my mom doesn't count), but fucking tech. I can't ever seem to grasp it. WHY. WHY is it so bloody difficult?? I'm working hard. Guess I'll just have to work even harder. I fuckin hate that. I stayed in at lunch to hand in a program I was so proud of finishing only to gear from my teacher that it was wrong, try again. According to her, I was only missing one small but essential thing. But I couldn't get it. Gray was sitting in there with me, luckily, 'cause once she left me to it, I started crying. I'm such a pussy sometimes, its ridiculous. Gray, I love you. I'd be hopelessly pathetic if you weren't around to give me words if encouragement as you always do.
Teach came back, and she pretty much handed me the answer but gave me a 10/10 anyways.. She doesn't accept thank-you's easily though, walks away half way through said phrase whenever it leaves my mouth. She's cool.

Another stressful thing is my potential summer job. I'm hoping to get hired to do summer camps for kids with the recreation centre I'm working at now. I got through the first interview process, and have been asked to attend another night of observation (in a sense). In this case, I'll be in charge of an activity that I'll make up beforehand for my 20 - 25 competitors to participate in for 5 - 10 minuets. Mom insists I do an origami camp (there is an arts n crafts camp so its not a bad idea) and I can't imagine anyone else doing it, plus its sorta within my comfort zone so why not, right? Well I'll be pretty intimidated speaking and trying to insue fun into a large group of most likely university aged people, 5 of which I met in my first round of interviews, but fuck it whatever I'll give it my all and if I screw it up oh well, it was a learning experience or some shit like that.
So yeah, there's that.

Does any of this make some amount of sense? I'm just going on a tangent here, so please bear with me.

My sis, whom I'm not sure if I named yet in this blog so I'll just call her Arwen, doesn't normally sleep with me. I'm not a very good big sister, something I'm actually quite ashamed of. Despite us having very different personalities, I see myself in her. We both long, well 'longed' in my case, for attention and affection. My parents are affectionate I guess, sort of, they just show it in a way that... I dunno. I don't want to sound ungrateful or like I've been emotionally neglected,'cause neither of those are true, but.. I had a lonely childhood, it feels like she is too.
I can't explain it right, maybe another day.

Kay I'll try again.

I often think to myself, would it be better to have often impatient (a softer word then I'm feeling but its the best I can do) parents, or to have impatient parents annnd a bitchy older sister? Which hurts less?
I don't wanna be that stereotypical teenage sister, but its so easy to be a bitch. Cold and detatched. A little dramatic, but true.

I'm really gonna try hard, just like I do with school and dance, etc. Arwen was the light of my world when she was born, and I hate that that has changed.. I'm going to try now though.

Well its late, school tomorrow... Ooh starting a project in planning, where we choose one career and learn stuff about it. I'm excited bout this, I have no idea what I want to pursue after graduation, I'm really hoping this will help!

Alrighty, well I'm done my shpeel. Good night.